I have good months and bad months as far as trying to get pregnant goes. This was a bad month. I often convince myself that I am pregnant. There are, unfortunately, signs that aid in this delusion. I get nauseous. I have heartburn. Certain foods that I normally love don't taste good. I feel bloated. I could go on and on...
During good months I don't experience these symptoms at all, my period comes and life goes on. But give me just a tinge of heartburn and I'm certain I'm in the early stages of pregnancy. I wish, at some point I could get it through my thick skull that these symptoms don't mean a thing. I wish I was better able to just wait and see instead of thinking I know for sure what's going on. Because when my period comes, and it always does, I'm crushed.

Eventually I can get back to a place where I know I have no reason to wallow in self pity over this issue. I look around me and know that I'm already extremely blessed. I've mentioned my blessings more than once here, so I won't bore you with how good my life is, again.

However, I really would like to know what it feels like to decide to have another baby and get pregnant soon after. But then I realize life just isn't that fair. There are children born with terminal illnesses, parents experience what it's like to lose a child, spouses pass away. The list of bad stuff that happens in the world is a long one and here I sit with everything I ever wanted and am bemoaning the fact that I can't have our second child in my time. It's just hard to remember all this when I've once again convinced myself that I'm pregnant only to learn that I'm not. When you want something so bad and are doing all you can to get it only to see it end in defeat takes it's toll in time. I hope that one month I can learn that nausea doesn't equal pregnancy and I can just wait and see and know that either way I will be ok.

I've been experiencing "the want" again. I am seeing a lot of friends and acquaintances getting pregnant with their number two and I wonder when or if my number two will come along. My heart is up to its old trics, convincing my brain that, as the end of each cycle approaches, I am indeed pregnant. Sigh. Cold reality hits again and again as I realize I am indeed not pregnant.

I know I would be ok if we just had Matteo for the rest of our lives. He is the biggest joy and would fulfill my motherly needs wholeheartedly. But...how do I stop the want?

I am thankful, everyday I say a little prayer of thanks for the life and family I have. I know there are couples out there that struggle, as we did, to have a baby. They will continue to struggle and it's as if we won the lottery with Matteo. I just need to pinch myself when I start living in the future instead of in the now.