Wow.  What a whirlwind week we've had with regards to IVF.  It seems we are a go starting on my next cycle.  We just got that decided for us yesterday.  However, instead of a normal fresh embryo transfer that takes no time, we are in for the long haul.  A four month ordeal and a frozen embryo transfer.  In order to test our embryos for Trisomy 13 and 14 they need to freeze the babes as it will take 7 days for the test results to come back.  That's too long a window for our little ones to hang out in a test tube for.  I was having issues with the standard IVF procedure as it was and now my anxiety has skyrocketed.  Four months seems an eternity to be going through IVF.  I really really wanted a fresh transfer.  I guess in the back of my mind I'm thinking this isn't going to work and to go through four months of this to fail seems huge.  Such a commitment on so many levels.  Part of me has contemplated giving up.  Can I put my all into four months with no outcome, am I that strong?

So many questions, so many doubts, so many what if's.  It overwhelms across the board.  I know we need to do this, so we will but I still have my reservations.  I'm still not sure where they are coming from or why they are here, but here they are regardless.  I guess if this fails we have our sweet Matteo and that will be good enough for us, that is the road we were meant to travel.  This whole thing is so far out of my control by this point.  Maybe that's my glitch.  Loss of control.  I don't like knowing this is now seeming next to impossible for us to conceive on our own.  The last three years have been overly hopeful in this department.  Maybe I need to grieve the fact that, left on our own, we most likely will not conceive.  It's a loss.  Loss of control, loss of hope, loss of chance, loss of independence, loss of spontaneity.

There are little signs here and there that have given me hope in the last few weeks, but I feel myself trying not to get too excited.  I guess with our history of miscarriage after IVF and a failed FET, that's understandable.  But, it feels like my doubt is separate from those events.    I know I want another child.  This is something that I've always known.  So, we have to try.  We can't not try.  I guess I have another four months to grieve this new loss and become a beacon of hope and positivity.