Every month is the same. I need to break free of my pregnancy delusion. I am not going to get pregnant. I'm tired of hoping and thinking differently. So tired. I hate this cycle so much. I don't know how to stop it. I walk the fine line of being thankful and wanting more. I just want to jump on to the thankful side and stay there. How do you stop wanting what you want? How can I move on? I really want to. I can't keep thinking I'm pregnant every month. My body messes with me better than anything. I get nauseas, dizzy, I have heartburn. I should know by now that these symptoms don't equal pregnancy. What is wrong with my slow brain that it can't learn this lesson? It makes me feel stupid.

I would get a hysterectomy so that maybe I could finally move on, but then I'd be giving up all and any hope and truthfully I still want that glimmer. It's unfortunate that that glimmer will probably destroy me. How can I balance our glimmer with reality? I guess I haven't learned how to live with infertility. This is not living. I'm stuck. It might not even be about having another baby anymore. It's a quest that has gone horribly wrong. Maybe it's turning into an obsessive compulsive thing. Maybe this is bigger than me and my ability to get over it on my own. I do have the ability to rationalize it all but then that time of the month comes and I'm sure I'm pregnant each month. I have been doing that for the 7 years we've been trying, minus the 9 months spent with Matteo. That's a lot of months to endure this heartache. I want to be done. I know it's in my control. I guess I don't have the tools yet to control it.