Well, looks like it's been about a year since last I blogged. Whoops. A major update to report on is that I no longer have baby fever. I think the illness has run it's course and I'm now cured. It was a long, hard road, but thankfully we've managed to come out relatively unscathed and we remain thankful about what we have and forever grateful for the one opportunity we have been given to be parents. Life is good. I've even considered going on the pill. I don't want a surprise pregnancy at age 45. I've got to prevent pregnancy, however unlikely, at some point. Just haven't figured out when. 40? Right now? I think we've decided 40 might be the magic number but I'm thinking sooner might be ok too. We've got such great built-in birth control with Mark's genetics but I still don't want to have a baby past 40 and you just never know.

Another milestone that's happened over the course of a few years relates to my spiritual path. All of our fertility issues has had me questioning God and why this happened to us. I couldn't make sense of it and I really wanted to understand. Why would God deny two healthy, happy, mentally and financially sound individuals the ability to conceive? There are folks out there that have problems with drugs or money and all sorts of other conditions that can easily, maybe too easily in some cases, have babies. Why us? Coming up with a rational answer to this question using religion didn't work. I guess that's why they call it faith. You shouldn't ask or question, it just is the way it is. Close your eyes and mind and believe. I couldn't do that. I want to know why. Why does God allow babies to die? Why does He allow famine or war or anything that's horrible? Why can't responsible people who yearn to be parents have as many babies as their hearts' desire? Some say that this is God's will. That just sounds horrible to me. What reason could he have for letting kids get cancer and die or a wife lose her husband to a freak car accident. That makes no sense to me. I wanted life and all it's unfairness to make sense. If he can produce miracles, why doesn't he do that all the time? Why would he pick and choose? Why would he allow anyone to suffer? Trying to understand a God in all those scenarios just doesn't compute.

What does make sense to me is what I've come to call 'Happenstance'. These things just happen. In my mind, there is no God dictating how our lives go. You can't pray away bad things. If you pray and something bad disappears, your prayers worked. If you pray and the bad persists, it's God's will. What?? You can't have it both ways. The way I see it, miracles just happen regardless of religious belief. Sometimes, the odds dictate that something is unlikely to happen, but mathematically every now and then it will. In my case, as it happens, I married a great guy, who is has surpassed my hopes and dreams as far as just being a standup person and fantastic, hands on father. Unfortunately for us, it also happens that this great guy has some chromosome abnormalities that make it very hard for us to have kids. That's just the way it is, and this, strangely makes me feel better and makes the most sense. Religion makes people feel better, so I see no difference in my belief making me feel better. We were very lucky in that we had Matteo. It was just the roll of the dice. The odds were against us, but that doesn't mean that it couldn't happen. The month we conceived Matteo we had just decided to take a break from trying, no one was praying for a baby in that moment, they were probably praying we were ok with our recent failed frozen embryo transfer. It was just our turn mathematically.

As I've gone through this journey, I've also realized that I just don't believe in tenants of christianity and the bible. Homosexuality is not a sin. I don't believe that IVF is a sin. I believe woman should be allowed to be priests and have more power in the church. Evolution is real. I believe in birth control and think there are valid reasons for abortion. I believe in science. Science and religion don't usually mix. There's just a lot of who I am and what I believe that doesn't align with religion.

I have been thinking about this for a while. It isn't something I just decided. It's something I still think about and consider. Who I am and what I believe in is a constant changing thing. It's a very personal journey and nobody has influenced my thinking. I've come to this decision alone. This is what makes sense to me. Just because I've come to this conclusion doesn't mean that I can't be a good person or teach my son to be one as well. I strive to teach Matteo, among many other things, to be caring, responsible, philanthropic, loving, sympathetic, brotherly, and optimistic. I can and I will. I can teach him about charity and giving to those who have less than we do. We have so much and it would be irresponsible not to teach him to give whenever you are able. I don't think you need god or religion to live a productive, good life. Mark wasn't raised inside a religion and he came out a great, selfless, compassionate person. I believe that the same will be true of Matteo.

The hardest part of all of this will be 'coming out' to my mom. I don't want to break her heart, or have her worry unnecessarily for me. I'm fine. My hope is that she will be able to understand where I'm coming from, know that I'm still me, and know that I strive to be a good mother and can still provide a full and rich life for Matteo. I will tell him that some people believe in God and he can go to grandma with questions and she can teach him what she believes. I will tell him where I am coming from and Mark can do the same for his beliefs. I want him to be happy and have the freedom to believe and feel what comes naturally to him.

Coming to this realization has freed me of so much depression and hard feelings. Thinking that God was ok with my situation and that it was part of his plan felt horrible to me. Understanding now that it's not predestined; that it's happenstance just makes everything fall into place, even if it sucks and seems unfair. People get cancer, kids die, spouses leave, people are infertile. On the flip side, people get cured of cancer, kids are saved, spouses work through their issues and miracle babies are born everyday. This is no master plan; there's no one pulling these strings. There is no rhyme or reason, just happenstance.