Well, looks like it's been about a year since last I blogged. Whoops. A major update to report on is that I no longer have baby fever. I think the illness has run it's course and I'm now cured. It was a long, hard road, but thankfully we've managed to come out relatively unscathed and we remain thankful about what we have and forever grateful for the one opportunity we have been given to be parents. Life is good. I've even considered going on the pill. I don't want a surprise pregnancy at age 45. I've got to prevent pregnancy, however unlikely, at some point. Just haven't figured out when. 40? Right now? I think we've decided 40 might be the magic number but I'm thinking sooner might be ok too. We've got such great built-in birth control with Mark's genetics but I still don't want to have a baby past 40 and you just never know.

Another milestone that's happened over the course of a few years relates to my spiritual path. All of our fertility issues has had me questioning God and why this happened to us. I couldn't make sense of it and I really wanted to understand. Why would God deny two healthy, happy, mentally and financially sound individuals the ability to conceive? There are folks out there that have problems with drugs or money and all sorts of other conditions that can easily, maybe too easily in some cases, have babies. Why us? Coming up with a rational answer to this question using religion didn't work. I guess that's why they call it faith. You shouldn't ask or question, it just is the way it is. Close your eyes and mind and believe. I couldn't do that. I want to know why. Why does God allow babies to die? Why does He allow famine or war or anything that's horrible? Why can't responsible people who yearn to be parents have as many babies as their hearts' desire? Some say that this is God's will. That just sounds horrible to me. What reason could he have for letting kids get cancer and die or a wife lose her husband to a freak car accident. That makes no sense to me. I wanted life and all it's unfairness to make sense. If he can produce miracles, why doesn't he do that all the time? Why would he pick and choose? Why would he allow anyone to suffer? Trying to understand a God in all those scenarios just doesn't compute.

What does make sense to me is what I've come to call 'Happenstance'. These things just happen. In my mind, there is no God dictating how our lives go. You can't pray away bad things. If you pray and something bad disappears, your prayers worked. If you pray and the bad persists, it's God's will. What?? You can't have it both ways. The way I see it, miracles just happen regardless of religious belief. Sometimes, the odds dictate that something is unlikely to happen, but mathematically every now and then it will. In my case, as it happens, I married a great guy, who is has surpassed my hopes and dreams as far as just being a standup person and fantastic, hands on father. Unfortunately for us, it also happens that this great guy has some chromosome abnormalities that make it very hard for us to have kids. That's just the way it is, and this, strangely makes me feel better and makes the most sense. Religion makes people feel better, so I see no difference in my belief making me feel better. We were very lucky in that we had Matteo. It was just the roll of the dice. The odds were against us, but that doesn't mean that it couldn't happen. The month we conceived Matteo we had just decided to take a break from trying, no one was praying for a baby in that moment, they were probably praying we were ok with our recent failed frozen embryo transfer. It was just our turn mathematically.

As I've gone through this journey, I've also realized that I just don't believe in tenants of christianity and the bible. Homosexuality is not a sin. I don't believe that IVF is a sin. I believe woman should be allowed to be priests and have more power in the church. Evolution is real. I believe in birth control and think there are valid reasons for abortion. I believe in science. Science and religion don't usually mix. There's just a lot of who I am and what I believe that doesn't align with religion.

I have been thinking about this for a while. It isn't something I just decided. It's something I still think about and consider. Who I am and what I believe in is a constant changing thing. It's a very personal journey and nobody has influenced my thinking. I've come to this decision alone. This is what makes sense to me. Just because I've come to this conclusion doesn't mean that I can't be a good person or teach my son to be one as well. I strive to teach Matteo, among many other things, to be caring, responsible, philanthropic, loving, sympathetic, brotherly, and optimistic. I can and I will. I can teach him about charity and giving to those who have less than we do. We have so much and it would be irresponsible not to teach him to give whenever you are able. I don't think you need god or religion to live a productive, good life. Mark wasn't raised inside a religion and he came out a great, selfless, compassionate person. I believe that the same will be true of Matteo.

The hardest part of all of this will be 'coming out' to my mom. I don't want to break her heart, or have her worry unnecessarily for me. I'm fine. My hope is that she will be able to understand where I'm coming from, know that I'm still me, and know that I strive to be a good mother and can still provide a full and rich life for Matteo. I will tell him that some people believe in God and he can go to grandma with questions and she can teach him what she believes. I will tell him where I am coming from and Mark can do the same for his beliefs. I want him to be happy and have the freedom to believe and feel what comes naturally to him.

Coming to this realization has freed me of so much depression and hard feelings. Thinking that God was ok with my situation and that it was part of his plan felt horrible to me. Understanding now that it's not predestined; that it's happenstance just makes everything fall into place, even if it sucks and seems unfair. People get cancer, kids die, spouses leave, people are infertile. On the flip side, people get cured of cancer, kids are saved, spouses work through their issues and miracle babies are born everyday. This is no master plan; there's no one pulling these strings. There is no rhyme or reason, just happenstance.

Every month is the same. I need to break free of my pregnancy delusion. I am not going to get pregnant. I'm tired of hoping and thinking differently. So tired. I hate this cycle so much. I don't know how to stop it. I walk the fine line of being thankful and wanting more. I just want to jump on to the thankful side and stay there. How do you stop wanting what you want? How can I move on? I really want to. I can't keep thinking I'm pregnant every month. My body messes with me better than anything. I get nauseas, dizzy, I have heartburn. I should know by now that these symptoms don't equal pregnancy. What is wrong with my slow brain that it can't learn this lesson? It makes me feel stupid.

I would get a hysterectomy so that maybe I could finally move on, but then I'd be giving up all and any hope and truthfully I still want that glimmer. It's unfortunate that that glimmer will probably destroy me. How can I balance our glimmer with reality? I guess I haven't learned how to live with infertility. This is not living. I'm stuck. It might not even be about having another baby anymore. It's a quest that has gone horribly wrong. Maybe it's turning into an obsessive compulsive thing. Maybe this is bigger than me and my ability to get over it on my own. I do have the ability to rationalize it all but then that time of the month comes and I'm sure I'm pregnant each month. I have been doing that for the 7 years we've been trying, minus the 9 months spent with Matteo. That's a lot of months to endure this heartache. I want to be done. I know it's in my control. I guess I don't have the tools yet to control it.

Well, it took me some time to be able to write all that I'm going to write, but we are not pregnant. They can't guarantee implantation, we knew going in our chance for success was just 50%. In spite of my best efforts, I was still hopeful. When we found out our little one survived the thaw and they transferred him successfully, and he was with me, I didn't see how we could fail. He was so strong to have survived the thaw, he was safe and secure inside me. I couldn't save him. Maybe I was too stressed leading up to it? I had a really bad headache two days after the transfer, maybe my body took all it could but didn't have enough left over to nurture the baby. It was a big disappointment. Four months we struggled through this only to come up empty handed. Four months of doctors appointments, medication, money, shots with needles so big it would cause a grown man to cower, prayers, hopes, dreams, stress, the list goes on. I tried to keep myself grounded and kept reminding myself that nothing was guaranteed. I didn't quite convince myself that we wouldn't end up pregnant. I'm doing better about what happened lately. Coming to some kind of peace. Although this, along with a few other things, has me questioning my belief in God. I can't understand how two people like Mark and I could be denied from having a larger family. Mark is a dad who is 1000% plugged in. I couldn't have asked for a better father for my child. Here we sit and struggle while other people who could care less about their kids, or who are lost to addiction pop out baby after baby. It hurts my heart. I don't understand how this could be 'God's plan'. There's always an answer. If your prayers aren't answered, it's God's plan, if they are, that shows just how powerful prayer can be! How can you have it both ways? I'm struggling with this, not sure where I'll end up. It does feel good to question though. I was raised catholic by a very devout catholic mother, so I never really questioned anything until now. Getting back to infertility stuff. We have a follow up with our doctor coming up soon. I want to get his opinion on sperm donation. Mark is not a fan of this option, but I'm curious. Maybe he'll tell us that we are at the end of the road and that can be the nail on this coffin. Adoption or sperm donation seem to be our last two options. I don't see how we can afford adoption and since Mark is against sperm donation it does seem like this is the end. I've signed up to go to a support group. I need support. This has been a hard road to travel alone.

So I thought that since this is the last week, I would group a couple categories together. I was initially going to focus on health, and I put a bunch of true to life hearts together, but I felt no motivation. I did keep one heart under the Health title. Anyway, I am so very thankful for our combined health. I've been thinking recently that if I could make some sort of deal to keep my family healthy and in tact I would not try for another child. We have a great life, and if infertility is the worst thing that happens, we are golden. I'm still struggling to know what I have is great and to be at peace with just one child, but my desire for a larger family is still lurking. I guess I'll save that thought for another blog post!

It may seem strange to see a brain in my gratitude journal,  but one of the things I'm most thankful for is my mental health.  Granted I have anxiety and some days are better than others, but overall, I feel in good mental health.  I've worked in the mental health field and it's just one of those things I can't take for granted.

My gears are still turning and for that, I say, thank you!!

In the fourth week of my Summer of Color gratitude journal I used our home as inspiration.  I'm thankful to own our home and to have lived here for six years now.  Although there are times when I fantasize about moving, I'm grateful to have a stable roof over our heads.  This house has served us well.

The sun in my pic didn't translate too well in the scanner.  The glitter I used came out black.  I got to use some thread that I bought years ago for scrapping that I never used.  I went a little crazy with flower stamps in this one, but I had a blast doing so : )

Here we go again.  A lot of medication including daily intramuscular shots with the longest needle you've ever seen ; )

I had been feeling really negative with regards to this process lately.  I just didn't think we'd end up with a baby.  I think, more than anything, I was trying to shield myself.  I don't want to get my hopes up.  I want to stay realistic.  Realistically, our chances for a pregnancy are 50%.  That's not horrible, but also not a guarantee.  So, in order to be a bit more positive, I took a note from 'The Secret', made a sign an posted it throughout the house.

If we do get pregnant, we know it will be a boy and I've been thinking of baby names.  I really wish I hadn't done this, as I feel it's a jinx (I'm all about the jinxes!).  But the damage has been done and I like Luca.  A good friend of mine's mother-in-law suggested we name our next kid something Luca.  I can't remember what she said for the first name, but Luca has stuck with me and as I was thinking of our little one Luca seems right.

So, fingers crossed for a successful thaw and implantation.  I want hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.  Easy, right?!