Mind Tricks

I just wanted to post an update to how our "new stop the want baby plan" is going.

We are on our "break", yet still trying on our own. However, this time unlike the other year we spent trying, I am not taking my temperature every morning and charting all my fertility symptoms. We are just enjoying each other, etc.

But, my baby wanting mind is still in overdrive. Yes, I'm still delusional and overly optimistic. I was sure I had lost all this craziness when we found out we weren't pregnant after the last embryo transfer, but alas, it is all back, and with a vengeance. It's only been less than a month since we found out the bad news and here I am thinking that this is our month and I will get or already am pregnant. Like I said before false hope is a dangerous ingredient in this stew of infertility. It's a hard line to walk. You want to be hopeful, but in order to hold on to some semblance of sanity, you need to be realistic as well. I have yet to master this delicate balance.

My hopeful mind tells me that we'll get pregnant on our own, and soon. (Really this is the only mind I want to listen to at this point). Since we have no other options at this point but to try on our own, this is what will keep me going.

But then, there's the reality of our situation:
At the end of this month I will get my period, or aunt flow (AF). I'll be crushed, reality will set in and the cycle of false hope will start anew next month.

Then, as if to broadcast my failure, I see families everywhere and pregnant women seem to follow me. I know I can't avoid these things, and I certainly don't expect others to go out of their way to shield me from these people. But it is hard. I am, afterall, only human, and seeing a pregnant lady only makes me realize where I have come up short.

It's funny that when I was in my mid-20's, although I hadn't found "the one" and knew I wasn't ready to start a family just yet, I couldn't wait to be pregnant. Everyone thought I was crazy because being pregnant isn't what you look forward to, raising kids is the pot of gold at the end of that rainbow. I wonder if I somehow jinxed myself for wanting to be pregnant so badly. It hurts to think that maybe I won't ever get to experience that for myself.

This would become my biggest loss in all this. I say this because if we should fail to have children ourselves, we would absolutely consider adoption. So, one way or another we will have our family, and again, the biggest loss to me would be missing out on being pregnant and giving birth to a child that Mark and I created.

I guess the reason we aren't looking into adoption right now is because we know it's possible to have a child of our own. We aren't quite ready to give up that fight. It would be a different story if we knew kids of our own was not a possibility. As I've said before, if only we had bottomless resources, and by resources I mean money, I think we would continue to go through IVF until we were successful. I've heard stories of woman going through at least five IVF cycles. I don't know how many unsuccessful rounds we'd go thorugh before throwing in the towel, but I can say that after just one, we are not through yet.

I think I went off track again, whoops.

In any case, I'll find out at the end of this week if I'm pregnant or not.
Here's hoping!