Just a few thoughts of the day:

I'm sitting here mindlessly surfing and I stumbled upon a story of a mother who posted a picture of her deceased baby on facebook only to have it taken down by facebook.  They later apologized and reposed the pic after everyone was outraged by the action.  Anyway, just got me to thinking about our baby situation.  I really am thankful for what I have in life.  So thankful in fact that I feel bad wanting more.  I feel selfish.  We haven't had to deal with sickness, health problems, death.  Am I inviting these if we have another child?  I know how lucky we are compared to some and I just can't help but feel that I should be satisfied with what I have, and I am, but.....
I want another child.  I want to be normal and when I want a baby, I wish it could be just as easy as making that decision.
Instead I have to make the decision to be ok with just one child.  It hurts me to think of Matteo being as lonely as I was as an only child.  I'm still lonely as an only child.  I feel left out, I feel separated.  I know that his experience will differ from mine, but just the thought that maybe it won't pains me.

I've kind of had a defeatist attitude about this whole IVF process.  But now that we have one embryo, a boy, it's not just up to us or the doctors now, it's up to him.  How can I discount the fight he has within him?  I hate to be too optimistic in case of failure, but how can I think he will do anything else but fight?

Blah.  I'm not sure if I've made any sense.  Can't go back to reread, I'm too emotional right now.  Just wanted to get some thoughts out there.

We're waiting.  Seems like the last week and a half has been spent anxiously waiting.  We are done w/ the first half of the IVF process.  Done with the meds and the retrieval.  11 eggs, 10 mature, 9 fertilized, 8 survived to day one, 3 survived to day 6.  The other five embryos were "unorganized and unhealthy".  That makes me sad.  Why can't our bodies do better?  It hurts to think that maybe we've been making unorganized and unhealthy babes for a while now that just didn't make it.  We are now waiting on the results of the chromosome testing to see how many, if any, of the three are 'normal'.

I had almost convinced myself that we weren't going to have any embryos to biopsy, and magically we got three.  I had almost even grieved the loss to where I could have accepted it by the time we learned there were three, so it was a bit of a shock to my system when we got the good news.

Now I feel back at square one thinking we might not get a chance to use the three that made it.  But, if I look at it in these terms, it seems better: we have a three out of four chance for good news in that we could have 1/3, 2/3 or 3/3.  0/3 is no good, but those three other options are great.  My math is flawed I'm sure, but it makes me feel better nonetheless.

Hoping that we have at least one to use, I still am aware that, in the back of my head, we have more obstacles to overcome.  There's the unfreezing period, which the embroy(s) must survive, there's the transfer and the implantation hurdles as well.  We aren't out of the woods for what seems like a long time. In reality it will be three more months or so, but until then on this roller coaster we stay.
I was telling a friend that even if we walk away from this without a baby, and this experience is the worst thing that will happen to us, we are golden.  I have a good life.  One great child is better than no kids.  I'll will accept what I've been given and move on.  Of course, it will be hard to come to acceptance right away, there will be another grieving period to go through, but being able to already see the light at the end of my tunnel is a good start, I hope!