Thoughts

Just a few thoughts of the day:

I'm sitting here mindlessly surfing and I stumbled upon a story of a mother who posted a picture of her deceased baby on facebook only to have it taken down by facebook.  They later apologized and reposed the pic after everyone was outraged by the action.  Anyway, just got me to thinking about our baby situation.  I really am thankful for what I have in life.  So thankful in fact that I feel bad wanting more.  I feel selfish.  We haven't had to deal with sickness, health problems, death.  Am I inviting these if we have another child?  I know how lucky we are compared to some and I just can't help but feel that I should be satisfied with what I have, and I am, but.....
I want another child.  I want to be normal and when I want a baby, I wish it could be just as easy as making that decision.
Instead I have to make the decision to be ok with just one child.  It hurts me to think of Matteo being as lonely as I was as an only child.  I'm still lonely as an only child.  I feel left out, I feel separated.  I know that his experience will differ from mine, but just the thought that maybe it won't pains me.

I've kind of had a defeatist attitude about this whole IVF process.  But now that we have one embryo, a boy, it's not just up to us or the doctors now, it's up to him.  How can I discount the fight he has within him?  I hate to be too optimistic in case of failure, but how can I think he will do anything else but fight?

Blah.  I'm not sure if I've made any sense.  Can't go back to reread, I'm too emotional right now.  Just wanted to get some thoughts out there.