But I can try. I just thought if I blogged a little each day I could ease into this a bit better.

I'm having a bit of a rough day, so this is a great day to start writing. It's to do with the baby blues. I want to sit down and have a talk with Mark about having another baby, whether it be through adoption or IVF. I can't ignore this need any longer, we need to do something about it. His concern is money. I understand that, these are expensive ways to go about having a child. However, we go into debt each year as it is, why not go into debt for a great reason? Why not get something out of our money rather than just a credit card bill. I'm feeling pretty hopeless that it will not happen again for us naturally. I'm going to turn 37 this year and that is starting to frighten me. If we're going to act, maybe we need to act soon! Especially if we do chose adoption.
My main drive right now is to give Matteo a sibling. It's been so incredibly lonely for me being an only child. Not so much as a kid when I was surrounded by cousins, but more so now because those cousins seemed to have migrated back to their families of origin. I don't want this for Matteo. And I know that's not to say his experience will mirror mine, but I just believe there is so much to be had from a relationship with a sibling(s).
Added to this is the fact that I just want to be like most people. They want another baby, boom, they got it. It's been three long years of trying since Matteo. I'm done waiting. I can't take it anymore, I need to become proactive. Hopefully I can get Mark on the baby train!

You really need to click on these pics to see the detail. I can't take any credit for this, I just clicked on a few things in photoshop. I still don't know what I'm doing.

I have good months and bad months as far as trying to get pregnant goes. This was a bad month. I often convince myself that I am pregnant. There are, unfortunately, signs that aid in this delusion. I get nauseous. I have heartburn. Certain foods that I normally love don't taste good. I feel bloated. I could go on and on...
During good months I don't experience these symptoms at all, my period comes and life goes on. But give me just a tinge of heartburn and I'm certain I'm in the early stages of pregnancy. I wish, at some point I could get it through my thick skull that these symptoms don't mean a thing. I wish I was better able to just wait and see instead of thinking I know for sure what's going on. Because when my period comes, and it always does, I'm crushed.

Eventually I can get back to a place where I know I have no reason to wallow in self pity over this issue. I look around me and know that I'm already extremely blessed. I've mentioned my blessings more than once here, so I won't bore you with how good my life is, again.

However, I really would like to know what it feels like to decide to have another baby and get pregnant soon after. But then I realize life just isn't that fair. There are children born with terminal illnesses, parents experience what it's like to lose a child, spouses pass away. The list of bad stuff that happens in the world is a long one and here I sit with everything I ever wanted and am bemoaning the fact that I can't have our second child in my time. It's just hard to remember all this when I've once again convinced myself that I'm pregnant only to learn that I'm not. When you want something so bad and are doing all you can to get it only to see it end in defeat takes it's toll in time. I hope that one month I can learn that nausea doesn't equal pregnancy and I can just wait and see and know that either way I will be ok.

I've been experiencing "the want" again. I am seeing a lot of friends and acquaintances getting pregnant with their number two and I wonder when or if my number two will come along. My heart is up to its old trics, convincing my brain that, as the end of each cycle approaches, I am indeed pregnant. Sigh. Cold reality hits again and again as I realize I am indeed not pregnant.

I know I would be ok if we just had Matteo for the rest of our lives. He is the biggest joy and would fulfill my motherly needs wholeheartedly. But...how do I stop the want?

I am thankful, everyday I say a little prayer of thanks for the life and family I have. I know there are couples out there that struggle, as we did, to have a baby. They will continue to struggle and it's as if we won the lottery with Matteo. I just need to pinch myself when I start living in the future instead of in the now.

My friend Daniele has unknowingly inspired me to update my blog, finally!

It struck me this morning while emptying the dishwasher, of all things! that life is good. There are the obvious reasons, great baby, home over our heads, Mark has a good paying job that allows me to stay home with said baby, we are healthy, we have good family and friends, etc. Underneath all this, though, lies a wonderful marriage. Without that, all the other stuff wouldn't mean a thing. I have it so good with such a loving, giving man that I am just in awe that I lucked out the way I did. It's just wild to think, given that I was alone and miserable not just five years ago, that I have all that I ever dreamed of and more. Crazy how life turns out that way. I always felt that the universe owed me some big debt given that I had a bit of a rough childhood, and it has paid off! I could go on and on...

And the cherry on this sundae? Matteo. My tater tot. He is such the second love of my life. The love runs so deep that I couldn't even enjoy my favorite place on earth, Vegas! My new favorite place on earth is right beside my boy. I'm so very thankful that I can stay at home with him. I get to watch him grow, learn new things and nurture him myself instead of leaving that up to someone else. He makes me laugh everyday. Putting into words what he means to me is not possible. He puts life into a better perspective.

Yah, life is good.