We hashed it out and decided to either adopt or go through with IVF next January. It seems such a long time away, but in that year we can get rid of our current debt in order to clear the way for the new debt. We can also take this year to decide which road we would rather travel. I wanted to put down my thoughts about the pros and cons for each method.  Here are my initial thoughts.

IVF

Pros:
Biological baby
Hopefully thereby getting another even tempered baby to match Matteo
Wouldn't take too long 1-2 months

Cons:
Money $15-20K
Medicine. Lots of it.
The chance that we would not get a baby out of it. (Big one!)

Adoption 

Pros:
A very likely chance that we will get a baby (guaranteed?)
Helping out a child and birth mother in need

Cons:
Not a biological child
Possible health issues/Behavioral issues
Cost $10-15k
The wait period 1-3 years, maybe longer

I feel really selfish about my thoughts on adoption.  It scares me to think that maybe the baby we would adopt would somehow not fit into our family and throw off our great balance.  Of course I realize our second biological child could do the same.  I don't know, in my head it would be different.  I also would like to think that if we did adopt a high needs baby we would be able to handle it, and even rise to the occasion, but it is one of my considerations.  IVF would be great if it was guaranteed.  No guarantees in this life, don't we know that!  But they know our issues, they know how to work with them so I feel our chances are pretty good.  If we fail with IVF though, I think I  can safely say we'd be done.  Out of the game.  Whereas with adoption we'd have a baby.  Aye, I could go back and forth all day!  Hopefully, sometime in the coming year we can gain some sort of clarity on the issue.

But I can try. I just thought if I blogged a little each day I could ease into this a bit better.

I'm having a bit of a rough day, so this is a great day to start writing. It's to do with the baby blues. I want to sit down and have a talk with Mark about having another baby, whether it be through adoption or IVF. I can't ignore this need any longer, we need to do something about it. His concern is money. I understand that, these are expensive ways to go about having a child. However, we go into debt each year as it is, why not go into debt for a great reason? Why not get something out of our money rather than just a credit card bill. I'm feeling pretty hopeless that it will not happen again for us naturally. I'm going to turn 37 this year and that is starting to frighten me. If we're going to act, maybe we need to act soon! Especially if we do chose adoption.
My main drive right now is to give Matteo a sibling. It's been so incredibly lonely for me being an only child. Not so much as a kid when I was surrounded by cousins, but more so now because those cousins seemed to have migrated back to their families of origin. I don't want this for Matteo. And I know that's not to say his experience will mirror mine, but I just believe there is so much to be had from a relationship with a sibling(s).
Added to this is the fact that I just want to be like most people. They want another baby, boom, they got it. It's been three long years of trying since Matteo. I'm done waiting. I can't take it anymore, I need to become proactive. Hopefully I can get Mark on the baby train!

You really need to click on these pics to see the detail. I can't take any credit for this, I just clicked on a few things in photoshop. I still don't know what I'm doing.

I have good months and bad months as far as trying to get pregnant goes. This was a bad month. I often convince myself that I am pregnant. There are, unfortunately, signs that aid in this delusion. I get nauseous. I have heartburn. Certain foods that I normally love don't taste good. I feel bloated. I could go on and on...
During good months I don't experience these symptoms at all, my period comes and life goes on. But give me just a tinge of heartburn and I'm certain I'm in the early stages of pregnancy. I wish, at some point I could get it through my thick skull that these symptoms don't mean a thing. I wish I was better able to just wait and see instead of thinking I know for sure what's going on. Because when my period comes, and it always does, I'm crushed.

Eventually I can get back to a place where I know I have no reason to wallow in self pity over this issue. I look around me and know that I'm already extremely blessed. I've mentioned my blessings more than once here, so I won't bore you with how good my life is, again.

However, I really would like to know what it feels like to decide to have another baby and get pregnant soon after. But then I realize life just isn't that fair. There are children born with terminal illnesses, parents experience what it's like to lose a child, spouses pass away. The list of bad stuff that happens in the world is a long one and here I sit with everything I ever wanted and am bemoaning the fact that I can't have our second child in my time. It's just hard to remember all this when I've once again convinced myself that I'm pregnant only to learn that I'm not. When you want something so bad and are doing all you can to get it only to see it end in defeat takes it's toll in time. I hope that one month I can learn that nausea doesn't equal pregnancy and I can just wait and see and know that either way I will be ok.

I've been experiencing "the want" again. I am seeing a lot of friends and acquaintances getting pregnant with their number two and I wonder when or if my number two will come along. My heart is up to its old trics, convincing my brain that, as the end of each cycle approaches, I am indeed pregnant. Sigh. Cold reality hits again and again as I realize I am indeed not pregnant.

I know I would be ok if we just had Matteo for the rest of our lives. He is the biggest joy and would fulfill my motherly needs wholeheartedly. But...how do I stop the want?

I am thankful, everyday I say a little prayer of thanks for the life and family I have. I know there are couples out there that struggle, as we did, to have a baby. They will continue to struggle and it's as if we won the lottery with Matteo. I just need to pinch myself when I start living in the future instead of in the now.