Every month is the same. I need to break free of my pregnancy delusion. I am not going to get pregnant. I'm tired of hoping and thinking differently. So tired. I hate this cycle so much. I don't know how to stop it. I walk the fine line of being thankful and wanting more. I just want to jump on to the thankful side and stay there. How do you stop wanting what you want? How can I move on? I really want to. I can't keep thinking I'm pregnant every month. My body messes with me better than anything. I get nauseas, dizzy, I have heartburn. I should know by now that these symptoms don't equal pregnancy. What is wrong with my slow brain that it can't learn this lesson? It makes me feel stupid.

I would get a hysterectomy so that maybe I could finally move on, but then I'd be giving up all and any hope and truthfully I still want that glimmer. It's unfortunate that that glimmer will probably destroy me. How can I balance our glimmer with reality? I guess I haven't learned how to live with infertility. This is not living. I'm stuck. It might not even be about having another baby anymore. It's a quest that has gone horribly wrong. Maybe it's turning into an obsessive compulsive thing. Maybe this is bigger than me and my ability to get over it on my own. I do have the ability to rationalize it all but then that time of the month comes and I'm sure I'm pregnant each month. I have been doing that for the 7 years we've been trying, minus the 9 months spent with Matteo. That's a lot of months to endure this heartache. I want to be done. I know it's in my control. I guess I don't have the tools yet to control it.

Well, it took me some time to be able to write all that I'm going to write, but we are not pregnant. They can't guarantee implantation, we knew going in our chance for success was just 50%. In spite of my best efforts, I was still hopeful. When we found out our little one survived the thaw and they transferred him successfully, and he was with me, I didn't see how we could fail. He was so strong to have survived the thaw, he was safe and secure inside me. I couldn't save him. Maybe I was too stressed leading up to it? I had a really bad headache two days after the transfer, maybe my body took all it could but didn't have enough left over to nurture the baby. It was a big disappointment. Four months we struggled through this only to come up empty handed. Four months of doctors appointments, medication, money, shots with needles so big it would cause a grown man to cower, prayers, hopes, dreams, stress, the list goes on. I tried to keep myself grounded and kept reminding myself that nothing was guaranteed. I didn't quite convince myself that we wouldn't end up pregnant. I'm doing better about what happened lately. Coming to some kind of peace. Although this, along with a few other things, has me questioning my belief in God. I can't understand how two people like Mark and I could be denied from having a larger family. Mark is a dad who is 1000% plugged in. I couldn't have asked for a better father for my child. Here we sit and struggle while other people who could care less about their kids, or who are lost to addiction pop out baby after baby. It hurts my heart. I don't understand how this could be 'God's plan'. There's always an answer. If your prayers aren't answered, it's God's plan, if they are, that shows just how powerful prayer can be! How can you have it both ways? I'm struggling with this, not sure where I'll end up. It does feel good to question though. I was raised catholic by a very devout catholic mother, so I never really questioned anything until now. Getting back to infertility stuff. We have a follow up with our doctor coming up soon. I want to get his opinion on sperm donation. Mark is not a fan of this option, but I'm curious. Maybe he'll tell us that we are at the end of the road and that can be the nail on this coffin. Adoption or sperm donation seem to be our last two options. I don't see how we can afford adoption and since Mark is against sperm donation it does seem like this is the end. I've signed up to go to a support group. I need support. This has been a hard road to travel alone.

So I thought that since this is the last week, I would group a couple categories together. I was initially going to focus on health, and I put a bunch of true to life hearts together, but I felt no motivation. I did keep one heart under the Health title. Anyway, I am so very thankful for our combined health. I've been thinking recently that if I could make some sort of deal to keep my family healthy and in tact I would not try for another child. We have a great life, and if infertility is the worst thing that happens, we are golden. I'm still struggling to know what I have is great and to be at peace with just one child, but my desire for a larger family is still lurking. I guess I'll save that thought for another blog post!

It may seem strange to see a brain in my gratitude journal,  but one of the things I'm most thankful for is my mental health.  Granted I have anxiety and some days are better than others, but overall, I feel in good mental health.  I've worked in the mental health field and it's just one of those things I can't take for granted.

My gears are still turning and for that, I say, thank you!!

In the fourth week of my Summer of Color gratitude journal I used our home as inspiration.  I'm thankful to own our home and to have lived here for six years now.  Although there are times when I fantasize about moving, I'm grateful to have a stable roof over our heads.  This house has served us well.

The sun in my pic didn't translate too well in the scanner.  The glitter I used came out black.  I got to use some thread that I bought years ago for scrapping that I never used.  I went a little crazy with flower stamps in this one, but I had a blast doing so : )

Here we go again.  A lot of medication including daily intramuscular shots with the longest needle you've ever seen ; )

I had been feeling really negative with regards to this process lately.  I just didn't think we'd end up with a baby.  I think, more than anything, I was trying to shield myself.  I don't want to get my hopes up.  I want to stay realistic.  Realistically, our chances for a pregnancy are 50%.  That's not horrible, but also not a guarantee.  So, in order to be a bit more positive, I took a note from 'The Secret', made a sign an posted it throughout the house.

If we do get pregnant, we know it will be a boy and I've been thinking of baby names.  I really wish I hadn't done this, as I feel it's a jinx (I'm all about the jinxes!).  But the damage has been done and I like Luca.  A good friend of mine's mother-in-law suggested we name our next kid something Luca.  I can't remember what she said for the first name, but Luca has stuck with me and as I was thinking of our little one Luca seems right.

So, fingers crossed for a successful thaw and implantation.  I want hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.  Easy, right?!

Well, I feel I got a bit more artsy with this one. I used a pic from a flower in our garden, and the stem is from the same dried flower.  I painted a bit on and around the pic and used chalk to define the torn edges.

 I am so very thankful for my mother.  She raised me as a single mom and has sacrificed so much for me.  She is and has been a great role model and has inadvertently taught me how to be a loving mom, who will do what she needs to do for her kid.  I wouldn't be where am I today without my mom.  She contributes to our family with emotional support, babysitting, loving, money, kindness, thoughtfulness, cleaning, the list could go on...  She is really my hero.