Great news, I think.  We just found out our insurance covers 80% of one IVF cycle.  I was really excited to find this out at my first appointment on Friday.  Since then, however, I've been anxious.  I have no idea why.  We were talking about IVF, granted we were talking about giving ourselves another year to try naturally so this is kind of sudden.  But, it was our idea.  Why now do I have what I think are doubts about this?  It will be so much cheaper, and if it doesn't work, we won't be in a huge heap of debt.  If it doesn't work we can do another FET, depending on a few factors, and still not be in a huge heap of debt. The anxiety continues.
I know what the process entails, it's hard.  It's draining.  It's emotional.  I've chosen a brand new clinic, maybe I'm not certain they are good enough?  I know people that have gone there and that have been successful.  My doctor recommended them.  The anxiety continues.
Maybe I don't want a second child after all?  I'm not sure if that's possible, but why do I have this doubt?  I'm trying to pin point this and I need to ask myself if I'm ready for the demands of another baby/babies.  Our world is currently pretty serene.  Am I willing to flip what I know on it's head and start over?
Is the anxiety stemming from the fact that we'd be doing this to ourselves on purpose?  I DO want another child, but:
I know the heartache that IVF and failed FET bring, maybe I just don't want to go through it again?  Are we crazy to undertake this knowing that maybe one day it will happen on its own?  So many questions.  So much trepidation.

We hashed it out and decided to either adopt or go through with IVF next January. It seems such a long time away, but in that year we can get rid of our current debt in order to clear the way for the new debt. We can also take this year to decide which road we would rather travel. I wanted to put down my thoughts about the pros and cons for each method.  Here are my initial thoughts.

IVF

Pros:
Biological baby
Hopefully thereby getting another even tempered baby to match Matteo
Wouldn't take too long 1-2 months

Cons:
Money $15-20K
Medicine. Lots of it.
The chance that we would not get a baby out of it. (Big one!)

Adoption 

Pros:
A very likely chance that we will get a baby (guaranteed?)
Helping out a child and birth mother in need

Cons:
Not a biological child
Possible health issues/Behavioral issues
Cost $10-15k
The wait period 1-3 years, maybe longer

I feel really selfish about my thoughts on adoption.  It scares me to think that maybe the baby we would adopt would somehow not fit into our family and throw off our great balance.  Of course I realize our second biological child could do the same.  I don't know, in my head it would be different.  I also would like to think that if we did adopt a high needs baby we would be able to handle it, and even rise to the occasion, but it is one of my considerations.  IVF would be great if it was guaranteed.  No guarantees in this life, don't we know that!  But they know our issues, they know how to work with them so I feel our chances are pretty good.  If we fail with IVF though, I think I  can safely say we'd be done.  Out of the game.  Whereas with adoption we'd have a baby.  Aye, I could go back and forth all day!  Hopefully, sometime in the coming year we can gain some sort of clarity on the issue.

But I can try. I just thought if I blogged a little each day I could ease into this a bit better.

I'm having a bit of a rough day, so this is a great day to start writing. It's to do with the baby blues. I want to sit down and have a talk with Mark about having another baby, whether it be through adoption or IVF. I can't ignore this need any longer, we need to do something about it. His concern is money. I understand that, these are expensive ways to go about having a child. However, we go into debt each year as it is, why not go into debt for a great reason? Why not get something out of our money rather than just a credit card bill. I'm feeling pretty hopeless that it will not happen again for us naturally. I'm going to turn 37 this year and that is starting to frighten me. If we're going to act, maybe we need to act soon! Especially if we do chose adoption.
My main drive right now is to give Matteo a sibling. It's been so incredibly lonely for me being an only child. Not so much as a kid when I was surrounded by cousins, but more so now because those cousins seemed to have migrated back to their families of origin. I don't want this for Matteo. And I know that's not to say his experience will mirror mine, but I just believe there is so much to be had from a relationship with a sibling(s).
Added to this is the fact that I just want to be like most people. They want another baby, boom, they got it. It's been three long years of trying since Matteo. I'm done waiting. I can't take it anymore, I need to become proactive. Hopefully I can get Mark on the baby train!