Well, looks like it's been about a year since last I blogged. Whoops. A major update to report on is that I no longer have baby fever. I think the illness has run it's course and I'm now cured. It was a long, hard road, but thankfully we've managed to come out relatively unscathed and we remain thankful about what we have and forever grateful for the one opportunity we have been given to be parents. Life is good. I've even considered going on the pill. I don't want a surprise pregnancy at age 45. I've got to prevent pregnancy, however unlikely, at some point. Just haven't figured out when. 40? Right now? I think we've decided 40 might be the magic number but I'm thinking sooner might be ok too. We've got such great built-in birth control with Mark's genetics but I still don't want to have a baby past 40 and you just never know.

Another milestone that's happened over the course of a few years relates to my spiritual path. All of our fertility issues has had me questioning God and why this happened to us. I couldn't make sense of it and I really wanted to understand. Why would God deny two healthy, happy, mentally and financially sound individuals the ability to conceive? There are folks out there that have problems with drugs or money and all sorts of other conditions that can easily, maybe too easily in some cases, have babies. Why us? Coming up with a rational answer to this question using religion didn't work. I guess that's why they call it faith. You shouldn't ask or question, it just is the way it is. Close your eyes and mind and believe. I couldn't do that. I want to know why. Why does God allow babies to die? Why does He allow famine or war or anything that's horrible? Why can't responsible people who yearn to be parents have as many babies as their hearts' desire? Some say that this is God's will. That just sounds horrible to me. What reason could he have for letting kids get cancer and die or a wife lose her husband to a freak car accident. That makes no sense to me. I wanted life and all it's unfairness to make sense. If he can produce miracles, why doesn't he do that all the time? Why would he pick and choose? Why would he allow anyone to suffer? Trying to understand a God in all those scenarios just doesn't compute.

What does make sense to me is what I've come to call 'Happenstance'. These things just happen. In my mind, there is no God dictating how our lives go. You can't pray away bad things. If you pray and something bad disappears, your prayers worked. If you pray and the bad persists, it's God's will. What?? You can't have it both ways. The way I see it, miracles just happen regardless of religious belief. Sometimes, the odds dictate that something is unlikely to happen, but mathematically every now and then it will. In my case, as it happens, I married a great guy, who is has surpassed my hopes and dreams as far as just being a standup person and fantastic, hands on father. Unfortunately for us, it also happens that this great guy has some chromosome abnormalities that make it very hard for us to have kids. That's just the way it is, and this, strangely makes me feel better and makes the most sense. Religion makes people feel better, so I see no difference in my belief making me feel better. We were very lucky in that we had Matteo. It was just the roll of the dice. The odds were against us, but that doesn't mean that it couldn't happen. The month we conceived Matteo we had just decided to take a break from trying, no one was praying for a baby in that moment, they were probably praying we were ok with our recent failed frozen embryo transfer. It was just our turn mathematically.

As I've gone through this journey, I've also realized that I just don't believe in tenants of christianity and the bible. Homosexuality is not a sin. I don't believe that IVF is a sin. I believe woman should be allowed to be priests and have more power in the church. Evolution is real. I believe in birth control and think there are valid reasons for abortion. I believe in science. Science and religion don't usually mix. There's just a lot of who I am and what I believe that doesn't align with religion.

I have been thinking about this for a while. It isn't something I just decided. It's something I still think about and consider. Who I am and what I believe in is a constant changing thing. It's a very personal journey and nobody has influenced my thinking. I've come to this decision alone. This is what makes sense to me. Just because I've come to this conclusion doesn't mean that I can't be a good person or teach my son to be one as well. I strive to teach Matteo, among many other things, to be caring, responsible, philanthropic, loving, sympathetic, brotherly, and optimistic. I can and I will. I can teach him about charity and giving to those who have less than we do. We have so much and it would be irresponsible not to teach him to give whenever you are able. I don't think you need god or religion to live a productive, good life. Mark wasn't raised inside a religion and he came out a great, selfless, compassionate person. I believe that the same will be true of Matteo.

The hardest part of all of this will be 'coming out' to my mom. I don't want to break her heart, or have her worry unnecessarily for me. I'm fine. My hope is that she will be able to understand where I'm coming from, know that I'm still me, and know that I strive to be a good mother and can still provide a full and rich life for Matteo. I will tell him that some people believe in God and he can go to grandma with questions and she can teach him what she believes. I will tell him where I am coming from and Mark can do the same for his beliefs. I want him to be happy and have the freedom to believe and feel what comes naturally to him.

Coming to this realization has freed me of so much depression and hard feelings. Thinking that God was ok with my situation and that it was part of his plan felt horrible to me. Understanding now that it's not predestined; that it's happenstance just makes everything fall into place, even if it sucks and seems unfair. People get cancer, kids die, spouses leave, people are infertile. On the flip side, people get cured of cancer, kids are saved, spouses work through their issues and miracle babies are born everyday. This is no master plan; there's no one pulling these strings. There is no rhyme or reason, just happenstance.

Every month is the same. I need to break free of my pregnancy delusion. I am not going to get pregnant. I'm tired of hoping and thinking differently. So tired. I hate this cycle so much. I don't know how to stop it. I walk the fine line of being thankful and wanting more. I just want to jump on to the thankful side and stay there. How do you stop wanting what you want? How can I move on? I really want to. I can't keep thinking I'm pregnant every month. My body messes with me better than anything. I get nauseas, dizzy, I have heartburn. I should know by now that these symptoms don't equal pregnancy. What is wrong with my slow brain that it can't learn this lesson? It makes me feel stupid.

I would get a hysterectomy so that maybe I could finally move on, but then I'd be giving up all and any hope and truthfully I still want that glimmer. It's unfortunate that that glimmer will probably destroy me. How can I balance our glimmer with reality? I guess I haven't learned how to live with infertility. This is not living. I'm stuck. It might not even be about having another baby anymore. It's a quest that has gone horribly wrong. Maybe it's turning into an obsessive compulsive thing. Maybe this is bigger than me and my ability to get over it on my own. I do have the ability to rationalize it all but then that time of the month comes and I'm sure I'm pregnant each month. I have been doing that for the 7 years we've been trying, minus the 9 months spent with Matteo. That's a lot of months to endure this heartache. I want to be done. I know it's in my control. I guess I don't have the tools yet to control it.

Well, it took me some time to be able to write all that I'm going to write, but we are not pregnant. They can't guarantee implantation, we knew going in our chance for success was just 50%. In spite of my best efforts, I was still hopeful. When we found out our little one survived the thaw and they transferred him successfully, and he was with me, I didn't see how we could fail. He was so strong to have survived the thaw, he was safe and secure inside me. I couldn't save him. Maybe I was too stressed leading up to it? I had a really bad headache two days after the transfer, maybe my body took all it could but didn't have enough left over to nurture the baby. It was a big disappointment. Four months we struggled through this only to come up empty handed. Four months of doctors appointments, medication, money, shots with needles so big it would cause a grown man to cower, prayers, hopes, dreams, stress, the list goes on. I tried to keep myself grounded and kept reminding myself that nothing was guaranteed. I didn't quite convince myself that we wouldn't end up pregnant. I'm doing better about what happened lately. Coming to some kind of peace. Although this, along with a few other things, has me questioning my belief in God. I can't understand how two people like Mark and I could be denied from having a larger family. Mark is a dad who is 1000% plugged in. I couldn't have asked for a better father for my child. Here we sit and struggle while other people who could care less about their kids, or who are lost to addiction pop out baby after baby. It hurts my heart. I don't understand how this could be 'God's plan'. There's always an answer. If your prayers aren't answered, it's God's plan, if they are, that shows just how powerful prayer can be! How can you have it both ways? I'm struggling with this, not sure where I'll end up. It does feel good to question though. I was raised catholic by a very devout catholic mother, so I never really questioned anything until now. Getting back to infertility stuff. We have a follow up with our doctor coming up soon. I want to get his opinion on sperm donation. Mark is not a fan of this option, but I'm curious. Maybe he'll tell us that we are at the end of the road and that can be the nail on this coffin. Adoption or sperm donation seem to be our last two options. I don't see how we can afford adoption and since Mark is against sperm donation it does seem like this is the end. I've signed up to go to a support group. I need support. This has been a hard road to travel alone.

So I thought that since this is the last week, I would group a couple categories together. I was initially going to focus on health, and I put a bunch of true to life hearts together, but I felt no motivation. I did keep one heart under the Health title. Anyway, I am so very thankful for our combined health. I've been thinking recently that if I could make some sort of deal to keep my family healthy and in tact I would not try for another child. We have a great life, and if infertility is the worst thing that happens, we are golden. I'm still struggling to know what I have is great and to be at peace with just one child, but my desire for a larger family is still lurking. I guess I'll save that thought for another blog post!

It may seem strange to see a brain in my gratitude journal,  but one of the things I'm most thankful for is my mental health.  Granted I have anxiety and some days are better than others, but overall, I feel in good mental health.  I've worked in the mental health field and it's just one of those things I can't take for granted.

My gears are still turning and for that, I say, thank you!!

In the fourth week of my Summer of Color gratitude journal I used our home as inspiration.  I'm thankful to own our home and to have lived here for six years now.  Although there are times when I fantasize about moving, I'm grateful to have a stable roof over our heads.  This house has served us well.

The sun in my pic didn't translate too well in the scanner.  The glitter I used came out black.  I got to use some thread that I bought years ago for scrapping that I never used.  I went a little crazy with flower stamps in this one, but I had a blast doing so : )

Here we go again.  A lot of medication including daily intramuscular shots with the longest needle you've ever seen ; )

I had been feeling really negative with regards to this process lately.  I just didn't think we'd end up with a baby.  I think, more than anything, I was trying to shield myself.  I don't want to get my hopes up.  I want to stay realistic.  Realistically, our chances for a pregnancy are 50%.  That's not horrible, but also not a guarantee.  So, in order to be a bit more positive, I took a note from 'The Secret', made a sign an posted it throughout the house.

If we do get pregnant, we know it will be a boy and I've been thinking of baby names.  I really wish I hadn't done this, as I feel it's a jinx (I'm all about the jinxes!).  But the damage has been done and I like Luca.  A good friend of mine's mother-in-law suggested we name our next kid something Luca.  I can't remember what she said for the first name, but Luca has stuck with me and as I was thinking of our little one Luca seems right.

So, fingers crossed for a successful thaw and implantation.  I want hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.  Easy, right?!

Well, I feel I got a bit more artsy with this one. I used a pic from a flower in our garden, and the stem is from the same dried flower.  I painted a bit on and around the pic and used chalk to define the torn edges.

 I am so very thankful for my mother.  She raised me as a single mom and has sacrificed so much for me.  She is and has been a great role model and has inadvertently taught me how to be a loving mom, who will do what she needs to do for her kid.  I wouldn't be where am I today without my mom.  She contributes to our family with emotional support, babysitting, loving, money, kindness, thoughtfulness, cleaning, the list could go on...  She is really my hero.

I knew right away that I would use these pictures, the colors were perfect.  I struggled just a little bit this time :P
I used chalk to outline the right hand pic and watercolor to stamp the letters and colored pencil to outline the pics and the letters.  Not too much, but I like the way it turned out.  I'm of course thankful for my little one, but also for our beach vacation that year with family.  It was Matteo's first time at the beach.

I'm really excited!  I just read a Post secret entry on facebook about a few suggestions to living happy and I decided what to do w/ my smash book and consequently with my Summer of Color works.  I'm going to make a gratitude journal.  My first submission on rainbow sherbet works perfectly because I am thankful for yummy ice cream!

The Secret to Happiness?
1. Keep a Gratitude Journal
2. Exercise, Meditate & Eat Better
3. Share Random Acts of Kindness


I am going to try them all, but meditation is new to me, so we'll see.

Here is my first submission to the Summer of Color.  The inspiration was rainbow sherbet.  I struggled initially trying out pastels, water color, colored pencil, and acrylics.  I even experimented in photoshop.  I'm not an artist and felt really intimidated by everyone else's submissions.  I'm going to try to get past that and just enjoy this process.
I ended up using pastels, water color, colored pencil and acrylics to make a mosaic ice cream cone.  I wanted to work more on the title page, but it is what it is.  I'm putting my creations into my new smashbook.
Here's the scanned version for a better view of the detail.

On to next week's inspiration, Mint chocolate chip!

Just a few thoughts of the day:

I'm sitting here mindlessly surfing and I stumbled upon a story of a mother who posted a picture of her deceased baby on facebook only to have it taken down by facebook.  They later apologized and reposed the pic after everyone was outraged by the action.  Anyway, just got me to thinking about our baby situation.  I really am thankful for what I have in life.  So thankful in fact that I feel bad wanting more.  I feel selfish.  We haven't had to deal with sickness, health problems, death.  Am I inviting these if we have another child?  I know how lucky we are compared to some and I just can't help but feel that I should be satisfied with what I have, and I am, but.....
I want another child.  I want to be normal and when I want a baby, I wish it could be just as easy as making that decision.
Instead I have to make the decision to be ok with just one child.  It hurts me to think of Matteo being as lonely as I was as an only child.  I'm still lonely as an only child.  I feel left out, I feel separated.  I know that his experience will differ from mine, but just the thought that maybe it won't pains me.

I've kind of had a defeatist attitude about this whole IVF process.  But now that we have one embryo, a boy, it's not just up to us or the doctors now, it's up to him.  How can I discount the fight he has within him?  I hate to be too optimistic in case of failure, but how can I think he will do anything else but fight?

Blah.  I'm not sure if I've made any sense.  Can't go back to reread, I'm too emotional right now.  Just wanted to get some thoughts out there.

We're waiting.  Seems like the last week and a half has been spent anxiously waiting.  We are done w/ the first half of the IVF process.  Done with the meds and the retrieval.  11 eggs, 10 mature, 9 fertilized, 8 survived to day one, 3 survived to day 6.  The other five embryos were "unorganized and unhealthy".  That makes me sad.  Why can't our bodies do better?  It hurts to think that maybe we've been making unorganized and unhealthy babes for a while now that just didn't make it.  We are now waiting on the results of the chromosome testing to see how many, if any, of the three are 'normal'.

I had almost convinced myself that we weren't going to have any embryos to biopsy, and magically we got three.  I had almost even grieved the loss to where I could have accepted it by the time we learned there were three, so it was a bit of a shock to my system when we got the good news.

Now I feel back at square one thinking we might not get a chance to use the three that made it.  But, if I look at it in these terms, it seems better: we have a three out of four chance for good news in that we could have 1/3, 2/3 or 3/3.  0/3 is no good, but those three other options are great.  My math is flawed I'm sure, but it makes me feel better nonetheless.

Hoping that we have at least one to use, I still am aware that, in the back of my head, we have more obstacles to overcome.  There's the unfreezing period, which the embroy(s) must survive, there's the transfer and the implantation hurdles as well.  We aren't out of the woods for what seems like a long time. In reality it will be three more months or so, but until then on this roller coaster we stay.
I was telling a friend that even if we walk away from this without a baby, and this experience is the worst thing that will happen to us, we are golden.  I have a good life.  One great child is better than no kids.  I'll will accept what I've been given and move on.  Of course, it will be hard to come to acceptance right away, there will be another grieving period to go through, but being able to already see the light at the end of my tunnel is a good start, I hope!

Next Thursday we'll start the injection routine.  Two weeks of shots, maybe a bit more.  It seems daunting, but I'm sure if we take it a day at a time we'll be ok.  We're veterans of this stuff now, we can do it!  On or around May 1st, we'll have the retrieval and be able to relax for two months.  Woo!

Wow.  What a whirlwind week we've had with regards to IVF.  It seems we are a go starting on my next cycle.  We just got that decided for us yesterday.  However, instead of a normal fresh embryo transfer that takes no time, we are in for the long haul.  A four month ordeal and a frozen embryo transfer.  In order to test our embryos for Trisomy 13 and 14 they need to freeze the babes as it will take 7 days for the test results to come back.  That's too long a window for our little ones to hang out in a test tube for.  I was having issues with the standard IVF procedure as it was and now my anxiety has skyrocketed.  Four months seems an eternity to be going through IVF.  I really really wanted a fresh transfer.  I guess in the back of my mind I'm thinking this isn't going to work and to go through four months of this to fail seems huge.  Such a commitment on so many levels.  Part of me has contemplated giving up.  Can I put my all into four months with no outcome, am I that strong?

So many questions, so many doubts, so many what if's.  It overwhelms across the board.  I know we need to do this, so we will but I still have my reservations.  I'm still not sure where they are coming from or why they are here, but here they are regardless.  I guess if this fails we have our sweet Matteo and that will be good enough for us, that is the road we were meant to travel.  This whole thing is so far out of my control by this point.  Maybe that's my glitch.  Loss of control.  I don't like knowing this is now seeming next to impossible for us to conceive on our own.  The last three years have been overly hopeful in this department.  Maybe I need to grieve the fact that, left on our own, we most likely will not conceive.  It's a loss.  Loss of control, loss of hope, loss of chance, loss of independence, loss of spontaneity.

There are little signs here and there that have given me hope in the last few weeks, but I feel myself trying not to get too excited.  I guess with our history of miscarriage after IVF and a failed FET, that's understandable.  But, it feels like my doubt is separate from those events.    I know I want another child.  This is something that I've always known.  So, we have to try.  We can't not try.  I guess I have another four months to grieve this new loss and become a beacon of hope and positivity.

Great news, I think.  We just found out our insurance covers 80% of one IVF cycle.  I was really excited to find this out at my first appointment on Friday.  Since then, however, I've been anxious.  I have no idea why.  We were talking about IVF, granted we were talking about giving ourselves another year to try naturally so this is kind of sudden.  But, it was our idea.  Why now do I have what I think are doubts about this?  It will be so much cheaper, and if it doesn't work, we won't be in a huge heap of debt.  If it doesn't work we can do another FET, depending on a few factors, and still not be in a huge heap of debt. The anxiety continues.
I know what the process entails, it's hard.  It's draining.  It's emotional.  I've chosen a brand new clinic, maybe I'm not certain they are good enough?  I know people that have gone there and that have been successful.  My doctor recommended them.  The anxiety continues.
Maybe I don't want a second child after all?  I'm not sure if that's possible, but why do I have this doubt?  I'm trying to pin point this and I need to ask myself if I'm ready for the demands of another baby/babies.  Our world is currently pretty serene.  Am I willing to flip what I know on it's head and start over?
Is the anxiety stemming from the fact that we'd be doing this to ourselves on purpose?  I DO want another child, but:
I know the heartache that IVF and failed FET bring, maybe I just don't want to go through it again?  Are we crazy to undertake this knowing that maybe one day it will happen on its own?  So many questions.  So much trepidation.

We hashed it out and decided to either adopt or go through with IVF next January. It seems such a long time away, but in that year we can get rid of our current debt in order to clear the way for the new debt. We can also take this year to decide which road we would rather travel. I wanted to put down my thoughts about the pros and cons for each method.  Here are my initial thoughts.

IVF

Pros:
Biological baby
Hopefully thereby getting another even tempered baby to match Matteo
Wouldn't take too long 1-2 months

Cons:
Money $15-20K
Medicine. Lots of it.
The chance that we would not get a baby out of it. (Big one!)

Adoption 

Pros:
A very likely chance that we will get a baby (guaranteed?)
Helping out a child and birth mother in need

Cons:
Not a biological child
Possible health issues/Behavioral issues
Cost $10-15k
The wait period 1-3 years, maybe longer

I feel really selfish about my thoughts on adoption.  It scares me to think that maybe the baby we would adopt would somehow not fit into our family and throw off our great balance.  Of course I realize our second biological child could do the same.  I don't know, in my head it would be different.  I also would like to think that if we did adopt a high needs baby we would be able to handle it, and even rise to the occasion, but it is one of my considerations.  IVF would be great if it was guaranteed.  No guarantees in this life, don't we know that!  But they know our issues, they know how to work with them so I feel our chances are pretty good.  If we fail with IVF though, I think I  can safely say we'd be done.  Out of the game.  Whereas with adoption we'd have a baby.  Aye, I could go back and forth all day!  Hopefully, sometime in the coming year we can gain some sort of clarity on the issue.

But I can try. I just thought if I blogged a little each day I could ease into this a bit better.

I'm having a bit of a rough day, so this is a great day to start writing. It's to do with the baby blues. I want to sit down and have a talk with Mark about having another baby, whether it be through adoption or IVF. I can't ignore this need any longer, we need to do something about it. His concern is money. I understand that, these are expensive ways to go about having a child. However, we go into debt each year as it is, why not go into debt for a great reason? Why not get something out of our money rather than just a credit card bill. I'm feeling pretty hopeless that it will not happen again for us naturally. I'm going to turn 37 this year and that is starting to frighten me. If we're going to act, maybe we need to act soon! Especially if we do chose adoption.
My main drive right now is to give Matteo a sibling. It's been so incredibly lonely for me being an only child. Not so much as a kid when I was surrounded by cousins, but more so now because those cousins seemed to have migrated back to their families of origin. I don't want this for Matteo. And I know that's not to say his experience will mirror mine, but I just believe there is so much to be had from a relationship with a sibling(s).
Added to this is the fact that I just want to be like most people. They want another baby, boom, they got it. It's been three long years of trying since Matteo. I'm done waiting. I can't take it anymore, I need to become proactive. Hopefully I can get Mark on the baby train!

You really need to click on these pics to see the detail. I can't take any credit for this, I just clicked on a few things in photoshop. I still don't know what I'm doing.